Insubstantiality
by seeking-out-sunshine
Summary: What's the big difference between sunshine and rain anyway? — Shintaro centeric, Shintaro/Ayano.


**Title:** Insubstantiality

**Fandom:** Kagerou daze

**Summery: **What's the big difference between sunshine and rain anyway? — Shintaro centeric, Shintaro/Ayano.

**Pairing:** Shintaro/Ayano

**Words:** 993

**Warning: **Contains some spoilers. I'm not caught up to the manga and I haven't listened all 21 songs yet so might alter a bit of canon. PLUS I wrote this up on three in the morning so might contain BULLSHIT. that is all enjoy~~~~~

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1

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You attend her funeral.

You put on the black shirt she likes and find your grandfather's shoes. You comb your hair because she laughs at you when tidy up your messy spiky hair. She says it looks stupid and unlike you. You stand in front of the bathroom mirror and the boy who looks back at you isn't the boy who was her friend. The boy who looks back at you isn't the boy who was madly in love with her and the boy who looks back at you isn't the boy you thought you were.

You're old—stupid, selfish, naive, idiotic— self died with her.

"Shintaro…? are you okay, son?"

"I'm fine, mom."

"If you say so. Um…Should we leave for the church now…?"

"Yes, let's go."

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2

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You have Momo buy junk food and you get your mom to cook you good food. You build a habit of wearing the same shirt for weeks and you get used to the piles of junk in your once spotless room and learn to sleep in unwashed bed sheets. You listen to music on the radio and drown yourself with animes. You change your daily routine to one of an empty man's.

You sit in front of your computer and make up a fake you one day. You give yourself a weird name and make up a weird personality that is anything but you. You become Noriyama Kazuma, a young man of 22 with a small job, a small apartment and with little every day struggles but you become a young man who has happiness and meaning in your life.

You like being Noriyama Kazuma.

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3

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You close your eyes and imagine her hair clung to her face. You imagine smiling and brushing them away and smiling again like you always wanted too. You imagine her sheepish grin and imagine the blush on her cheeks that would match yours. You think about asking her about the bright red scarf she always wore and you imagine starring at the expressions on her face while she tells you her story. You can almost see the way her eyes would look when you two walk home together and you imagine brushing your hand with hers and imagine looking away when she looks back at you in surprise. You imagine grabbing her hand when she finally looks away.

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4

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It's been a year since her death and you miss her and you hate the fact everyone doesn't miss her. You hate the fact everyone is forgetting her and that everyone is moving on.

You hate that you're moving on more.

You lie in your bed all day and ignore everyone's pointless whining. They can scream all they wants but they can't bring back her. So you let Ene whine all she wants, Momo yell all she wants, you don't really care about that because you're thinking of her.

You smile.

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5

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You dream of her one night.

You don't remember the dream but you know she was in it.

There is a warmth in your chest but a hole in your heart for the rest of the—decade, year, month, week—day.

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6

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You go out for the first time in two years a meet some strange and suspicious people and you (are forced to) join their gang. Your member number is seven and you don't want that number and you just want to go home to your computer and attempt to finish your song. You have a meeting with the leader of a very famous guild in an MMO at six and you really—like seriously— need to be there.

But the boy—or is he a she?—says you can't leave and you really have no choice because you're tied up and well, in your underwear.

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7.1

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You go back home and never go back.

You ignore Ene's whining and just keep browsing the net.

You look at the mirror and the boy who stares back at you doesn't deserve to be anywhere near her. The boy you've became isn't one she would love.

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XXX

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7.2

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It looks like you have friends now.

And you feel like you understand her a bit better and you finally understand that she wanted the best for you and the strange kids in front of you.

You look yourself in the mirror and you see a boy who was next to her and who—maybe, just maybe—deserved to be her friend. The boy you've become is one who—maybe, just maybe—deserves to love her.

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8.1

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You delete Ene one day.

She annoys you.

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XXX

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8.2

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You like Ene a lot more now.

She doesn't pester you so much anymore. It's maybe because she has all the other guys from the gang to bother too.

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9.1

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"Ayano…Ayano…Ayano…"

You mumble her name again and again and again.

Her name feels so wrong on your tongue and you miss her so much.

You want to go to where she is.

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XXX

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9.2

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"Ayano…"

You kneel in front of her grave and her name on your tongue brings a feeling of nostalgia. And you feel so strange and the tears just won't stop no matter how much you remind yourself of the presence of the gang standing behind you.

You feel like she's right there and you feel her smile on your skin and you love the feeling so much and you want to say so much.

You want to her see her again.

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10.1

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You kill yourself like the coward you are.

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10.2

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You die like the hero you want to be.

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"…A-Ayano…?"

"Hey, Shintaro."

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fin.

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How weird was this? Mind telling me in the little box right there? *wiggles eyebrows in a very creepy way* thanks anyway, you overly amazing person!


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